I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
