omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
