he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
