How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
