a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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