cat food counts as protein by the way
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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