so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
