He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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