Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize