i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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