his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
