don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
