all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize