i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Found the puke drawer
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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