To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
