So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
