I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
