im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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