You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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