Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
