Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
