Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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