lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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