Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
