Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
