Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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