I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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