the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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