the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize