Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
