i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
