Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
