Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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