it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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