BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I will be naked everywhere
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
