she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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