did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sex in the backyard? Check.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
