lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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