The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
