Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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