Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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