In the future we'll all be gay
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
