I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
