i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
