An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
