people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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