Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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