Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
