Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
