Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
