Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
