i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
