Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
