The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
