Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
