Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
