just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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