the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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