No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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