Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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