Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
