Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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