Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
