did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
