i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
