She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
